Egypt. Love it, hate it, meh it – it’s never boring. The country’s unpredictability is owed entirely to its, let’s say, ‘quirky’ natives. You see, Egyptians are a special people who know what they want and what they don’t want, especially when it comes to finding a mate.
If our favourite local cities had dating profiles, this is what I’d imagine they’d look like – because what’s the point of stereotypes if we can’t run with them?
El Gouna (Female)
Bio: Gouna is a hot mess who likes to party on boats. She is often referred to as ‘high maintenance’, but doesn’t understand why people have to shame her for appreciating the finer things. Likes to dress to impress, daddy’s credit card, and has been known to pair Uggs with hot-shorts for that ‘Babe in the Arctic’ look. Might be underage.
Crime Most Likely to Be Arrested For: Shoplifting a Louis Vuitton bag.
Most Likely to Star In: The O.C or Gossip Girl.
Looking For: A nice boy she can take home to her parents; must be willing to take care of her, drive her around, and keep her at the ‘level’ she has been accustomed to. I realise this sounds like a Sugar Daddy, but it’s really not.
Bio: Sahel is in the best shape anybody has ever been in. He lives at the gym, used to be on a water polo/swimming team, vehemently denies taking steroids, and really likes doing stuff with no shirt on. Hobbies include oily sunbathing, jet skis, beach volleyball, being photographed, and avwara.
Crime Most Likely to Be Arrested For: Driving shirtless under the influence on the road between Hacienda and Diplo
Most Likely to Star In: John Tucker Must Die.
Looking For: Some casual no-strings-attached fun – he’s ‘just out of a bad relationship’ and can’t imagine committing again so soon.
Bio: Cairo is a wannabe alpha-male with a giant Napoleon complex. He is a chain-smoker who is almost always running late. Cairo overcompensates for *ahem* inadequate equipment through road rage, aggressive ‘in your face’ partying, giving his girlfriend a curfew, and getting involved in random fights on the street.
Crime Most Likely to Be Arrested For: Mugging or sexual harassment.
Most Likely to Star In: Likes to think it would be V for Vendetta, but it’s actually Yacoubian Building.
Looking For: A ‘marriage-material’ kind of girl, who comes from a ‘good family’, is ‘pure’, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, and doesn’t talk back.
Bio: She’s a massive city-hippie. Sinai dresses in Harem pants and tank tops, likes beaded necklaces, anklets, and toe-rings. Hobbies include going to Ras Shetan, sitting silently around bonfires, acoustic guitars, Instagram-ing yoga positions, meditation, only flushing after number two, and talking about saving the world from the evils of Capitalism. She went to Oshtoora and talks in dreamy tones about being part of Egypt’s first ‘counter-culture’ movement.
Crime Most Likely to Be Arrested For: Chaining herself to a tree or drug smuggling for the Bedouins.
Most Likely to Star In: Eat, Pray, Love.
Looking For: An Investment Banker or similarly paid position, because being an art teacher doesn’t pay the bills.
Bio: Quite a bookish, studious girl. If life were a movie, she’d be the girl at the end who gets a ‘make-over’ (lets her hair down and takes off her glasses) and suddenly becomes hot and gets the guy. Really into marine biology, patient, and likes to fish. She’s quiet, an introvert, but with a wicked sense of humor.
Crime Most Likely to Be Arrested For: Trespassing on private property.
Most Likely to Star In: 50 Shades of Grey or Secretary (yeah, she’s quiet, but pretty kinky, too).
Looking For: Her very own, far more respectful, Mr. Grey.
By Noor Salama