Cairo is boring. Your boss is horrendous. The 9-5 grind makes you want to gouge your eyes out, and your office-issued wheelie chair only has one working wheel. Forget all of that, after much extensive research and consultation, Cairo Gossip has put together a 5-step, idiot-proof guide to starting your own cult. Be your own boss!
1 – Have a Great Idea. The ‘Great Idea’ is one of the founding pillars of any respectable cult. For your idea to be successful, it must prey on people’s worst fears (scaremongering) and then offer them a ridiculous solution (fixing). Remember, it doesn’t have to be true or make sense; it just has to be catchy.
2 – Become a charismatic leader. The best cult leaders are charismatic, articulate, attractive, and intelligent. If you’re reading this, you’re obviously not riding camels topless, breaking up with a Miss Egypt, or giving a heart-wrenching speech to your adoring fans in Tahrir. Get up. Become interesting – quickly. HELPFUL TIP: If you have no hope of ever becoming charismatic, intelligent, and attractive on your own merit, go to Nuweiba to ‘find yourself’, come back and hire a stellar PR person (*ahem* Media Republic) to make sure everybody knows that you’re mysterious and interesting. Extra points if you pretend to be able to communicate with your Higher Power.
3 – RECRUIT. You, a charismatic leader, have a great idea. It is now time to recruit a flock of sheeple that will literally follow you off a cliff. Do *not* knock on people’s doors. If you can get a celebrity endorsement – think Amr Adib, Abla Fahita or Khaled the Flower Guy – that would be perfect, but if not, establish a heavy social media presence: Instagram, Pintrest, Tinder, Grindr, Facebook and Twitter. Create a massive recruitment event on Facebook and name it ‘recruitment fair’, or ‘fun festival’, then invite everybody, but focus on the unemployed, lonely, attractive, and disenfranchised. Hire an event management company (*ahem* Event Republic), have a theme and host it at the pyramids. Disable the ‘Maybe’ option; you do not need indecisive people in your cult. Have a ‘Testimonials’ section on your website with smiling foreign couples.
4 – Control your flock. You need to be unquestionably in charge. Here are a few handy mind-control tips and tricks to ensure the compliance of your followers. Remember – this is for their own good.
-Isolate them from the outside world. Outside is scary, and all they need is you. Tell them people who don’t believe in the teachings of the cult are evil aliens sent from Israel to lead them astray. The more unbelievable the lie, the more they will believe it.
-Get them to confess all their secrets to you. Tape it in case they ever want to leave.
-Operate a Carrot/Stick incentive program. If they follow the rules of the cult, give them konafa and praise them, if they don’t, ostracize them. Humans are social beings and will quickly learn to obey.
-Deprive them of food and sleep. This can be done through ritual fasting or through having them wake up in the middle of the night to perform meaningless tasks.
5 – Longevity. You’ve got a fully-functioning cult! Congratulations and you’re welcome. Breed with your flock to ensure it carries on forever. Spread your proverbial seed. Or, if you’re of the mind that everything is fleeting, collectively drink poison.
If you need any more advice, get chatting to the founders of Nacelle or CrossFit.
By Noor Salama