With summer on the horizon, gyms across Cairo are experiencing their annual formet el Sahel-induced increase in foot traffic, as Cairenes begin to work on that perfect beach-bod. When it comes a complete body workout, though, one needn’t look further than the phenomenon that is CrossFit. I’ll be honest with you – I’ve been one of the many people that have scoffed at CrossFit and those who talk incessantly about it. But, having tried it for the first time (with a certain CrossFit team that shall rename nameless for fear of making things awkward for myself next time I go), I’m starting to see what the big fuss is about.
But for those that aren’t so familiar with this most excruciating forms of fitness, CrossFit hits you like a ton of bricks, as my near-meltdown of mind, body and even soul shows. Here’s what my brain excreted on my first official CrossFit session.
1. This looks like a torture chamber out of Fifty Shades of Grey. And now I’ve admitted to watching Fifty Shades of Grey.
2. Why did I sign up for this?
3. I know why – because I’m weak in character and fold like a lawn chair when it comes to trends.
4. Oh, yeah, that jiggle. I need to get rid of that.
5. Wait, they’re selling chocolate chip cookies here?! Not cool. I’m weak, remember.
6. Ooh, cute trainer.
7. Ooh, hold on – another cute trainer.
8. It must be something in the water. They’re all worryingly cute.
9. How am I supposed to get sweaty in front of them?
10. Did I use deodorant?
11. I didn’t use deodorant.
12. Everyone here is so….shiny. And cheerful. What do these people feed on?
13. Apparently they feed on whey protein, chia and other animal feed.
14. All the trainers have beards. And tattoos. And respectable Instagram followings. Everything I thought I knew about hipsters is wrong.
15. Cute butt, though.
16. What’s he doing? He’s writing stuff on a board. He’s smiling evilly. I’m scared. Is evilly even a word?
17. You want me to do what now?
18. Why does everything jiggle when I squat? Even a light breeze seems to make things jiggle.
19. 5…6….7…16…19…20. I finished. Ha, no one noticed.
20. For the love of all that is precious. Not. Another. Burpee.
21. No, I don’t feel like throwing my entire body over my head while hanging upside down from a monkey bar, thank you very much.
22. Stop jiggling.
23. Stop jiggling.
24. Stop jiggling.
25. What If I clench my butt?
26. Nope, it looks even weirder.
27. I hate everyone. I hate you. And you. You too. Even you, guy with a cute butt.
28. People keep high-fiving each other. Why is everyone so cheerful? What is wrong with them?
29. Think of the cookie. Do it for the cookie. When all this is over, you get a cookie.
30. IT’S OVER! IT’S OVER! HALLELUJAH! DID YOU HEAR THAT, THIGHS? WE’RE GOING HOME! ALSO…COOKIE!
31. I feel weirdly closer to everyone in this class now that they’ve seen me sweat, turn purple and hang upside down while almost puking. It’s a strange mixture of intimacy and embarrassment.
By Samar El Shams