A new year is upon us, and the bar has been set lower than ever. Almost 10 days in and no celebrities have died. Yet. With the slate still clean, we have yet to see what’s in store for 2017.
Here’s what we predict will happen this year:
Trump is assassinated by a Muslim Mexican. VP Mike Pence goes into the Witness Protection Program.
Following that, Michelle Obama runs for POTUS and wins election.
The Environment Minister’s ‘crocodile’ scheme is wildly successful and saves Egypt’s dwindling economy.
The internet continues to mourn Harambe.
‘Flat Matte Face’ becomes the new beauty trend: instead of contouring, highlighting and strobing, women paint their faces one nude shade, eliminating all shadows in a very Korean-inspired style.
Rainbow undercuts become the new hair trend.
‘Blorange’ becomes the new ‘in’ hair colour.
Say goodbye to unicorns; hippos become the new ‘cute’ animal graphic on everyone’s mugs, jackets, shoes and underwear.
At what seems to be the height of her career, Beyonce decides to take a hiatus ‘to focus on family and self-healing’. Suicide rates peak.
Miss Piggy becomes the new viral meme everyone is sharing. Kermit is even sadder.
Seeing that 2K16 romanticized the 90’s, the Backstreet Boys decide to get back together and release a new album.
Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes split. Tabloids blame themselves.
The ‘flying car’ finally goes on the market. Sales soar (pun unintended). So do air pollution statistics.
The government declares Valentine’s Day a public holiday in an attempt to boost popularity and public morale.
Chick-fil-A comes to Cairo. KFC goes out of business.
‘Playing Possum’ becomes the new Mannequin Challenge; people go about as normal, then suddenly drop and play dead for 2 minutes.
American-Asian fusion food porn takes the lead: enter deep fried Mac ‘n’ Cheese with aseaweed garnish and soy sauce infusion, or Mac ‘n’ Seas.
Who’s to say what will happen? [Answer: Us] Anything is possible….
By Salma Thanatos Rizk