Having peaked early in my career writing for Cairo Gossip, I have decided to broaden my horizons and open up my own nightclub. My repeated exposure to Cairo’s young, glamorous and disaffected in dark and smoky places leads me to believe that I have the winning formula to ensure success in this truly ambitious endeavor. In my experience, this is literally foolproof. I present to you, Nightclub Noor (working title).
OPTION ONE: A boat overlooking the Nile. Patrons can feel ‘at one’ with Cairo while sipping on cocktails and appreciating the natural beauty of running water.
OPTION TWO: Somewhere really, really high up. Patrons can dance the night away, literally looking down at their own city. This has the added advantage of being really far removed from ground-level society.
The venue itself will be so loud it is impossible to sustain meaningful conversation for longer than 15 seconds. It will be dark, it will be smoky and I will let in way more people than we have the capacity for. Yes, overcrowding is unpleasant, but your inability to move without sucking in your stomach and raising your glass/cigarette above everybody’s head gives the impression that this is a ‘hip’ and ‘happening’ place.
I will, of course, charge you something symbolic simply for the privilege of entering the prestigious establishment (350LE???). Naturally, this won’t allow you to purchase any alcohol. Luckily, our patrons have unending disposable incomes and will be able to afford 50LE, or whatever I can get away with, for a beer. Thanks for being such great consumers, guys!
My motto is, ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!’ and this will be our approach to bringing you the best entertainment line-up Cairo has to offer. Only if a DJ/band/musician has played at four other venues within the same month will we feature them. Preference will be given to DJs who think up really obscure and deep titles for their sets on SoundCloud, or those who have started their own record labels.
I will follow the trends of places like Ibiza and not the local music scene – because what do Egyptians know? – and only book those that play indiscernibly thump-y house music.
On special occasions that demand a foreign import, I will book the DJ with the best Facebook page profile picture and I will hype hum up to no end and claim him to be hottest thing in Europe despite being a virtual unknown in his homeland. About once a month, I will feature a sexually attractive female DJ to show that we are inclusive and appreciate all talents.
We want to be exclusive, so I will demand that you send us your names on Facebook so we can vet you appropriately to ensure the quality of our clientele. Like other alcoholic venues, we will operate a ‘no veil’ policy, because, as an establishment, we feel that it is our moral obligation to stop our more conservative sisters from sinning. We also wouldn’t want party-goers to feel uncomfortable by having to deal with *gasp* different kinds of people there.
Ladies, we will only allow you in if you dress to impress - preferably in White and Gold or a similar colour palette representing the venue’s elite status. Your makeup needs to be done with military precision and if you can comfortably walk in your shoes, they’re definitely not good enough. A general rule of thumb: if ‘the look’ takes longer than three hours, you’re good.
Gentlemen, you must come with a female – we’re not sure why, but everybody else is doing it so it must be right. Please OD on testosterone to exaggerate your masculinity before coming to the club, protect ‘your woman’ at all costs because, God forbid, another male might look at her for too long or (and I shudder to even mention this) actually speak to her.
Remember, you’re there to be seen! Our bouncers are looking forward to giving you a really hard time at the door.
By Noor Salama