Google recently listed Egypt as its second top porn-searching country, only being edged out of first place by Pakistan. This should come as no surprise; we’re a randy nation whose insatiable sexual appetite has been dictated and distorted by society’s sexual oppression. But it’s also surprise when you look at what our Pharaonic forefathers were getting up to. Here are a bunch of things you might not have known.
1. They were just as obsessed with it as the rest of us. Ancient Egyptian mythology is filled with stories of incest, adultery, homosexuality, masturbation and straight-up getting down and dirty with it.
2. Who can forget Min – Egypt’s god of boning. He was depicted as a human male with one arm, one leg, and – you guessed it – a huge, massive dong. He was honored in the coronation of new Pharaohs, to ensure the new leaders were appropriately ‘sexually vigorous’.
3. Homosexuality was totally cool. A popular Ancient Egyptian myth revolved around Horus and Set and some accidental male impregnation. We won’t go into details, but the moral of the story has something to do with not letting your mother spread your semen on lettuce – obviously.
4. Ditto for incest. Ancient Egyptians believed that royal blood ran through women, and for a Pharaoh to sire a truly royal heir, he had to get to know one of his sisters/cousins/mum pretty intimately.
5 – Necrophilia was, apparently, quite common. Evidence on the walls of some tombs indicated that in the process of turning corpses into mummies, embalmers used to get really, really nasty with the corpses of the hottest dead chicks. It got so bad that husbands whose wives had passed away used to keep their bodies at home, just in case.
6 – Erotic salads. It’s pretty clear to us that lettuce was a recurring theme in the kinky fuckery of our ancestors. They believed that ‘lascivious’ (fresh) lettuce worked like Viagra, and that ‘withering’ (dead) lettuce worked like thinking about your grandmother naked.
7. Masturbation: They were pretty creative with that too… Ancient Egypt was the birthplace of sticking your willy in inanimate objects, mostly fruits. Also, Ra basically masturbated his children into existence, because he was a gangsta like that.
Ta7ya Ancient Masr.
By: Noor Salama